Its the second day of a week-long leave from work (which I needed badly) and yet I haven’t written a single blog post. I promised myself that this week will be a productive one, filled with decluttering my room, car and mind and hopefully leads to space to blog, make art or simply journal.. and catch up with orders from my small business, “Little Qurio”.
Yet, I started the day with more procrastination. Reading more blogs – as if they would inspire me to write or someone would magically tell me to stop reading and start writing NOW. But no, no such thing.
And I suddenly felt angry. Angry at them for wasting my time, for the morning to be already 10am and yet I have done NOTHING productive at all! There lies my problem, I think. Blaming something else but in fact, I caused it myself. Sighing, I started on my day’s to do list. First, doing my hair colour. And then some cleaning and cooked/made baked potato and finally helping Irfan fall asleep. At this point, it is already 2pm. After a short nap, I felt better and less ‘kusut‘ (irritated).
‘Kusut‘ has been in my vocabulary for a while now. Its why I asked for leave, to rest and destress and feel better, yet I don’t see anything remotely restful so far.
I think I finally know why. I re-read my About page recently, as I was asking someone to make me a blog logo and I read this sentence – “I have a lot of mental chatter..” and that’s the root cause of everything. I undershare. I don’t share what I feel. I keep it as mental chatter with myself. And when I get interrupted, I get angry / more kusut.
There’s a reason why women gossip right? To let go of fears, concerns, discuss the whys and hows. And I absolutely refuse to gossip. Yes I’m strange I know. But as time goes by, I feel more and more bottled up with my feelings, I start to be jealous by others who do gossip, even though I’m not supposed to (feel jealous, that is.) I’m even more confused at this point. What is wrong with me, for being jealous of something that isn’t really encouraged?
Lately, I’ve been reading blogs such as JournalingDangerously.com and she writes about her journey to also find her peace, and she recently committed to a 100 days of journalling.
YES. I think I need to do this. Journal, or as my blogpost title “start blogging again, seriously”, in order to get inner peace, that rest I needed, so I can be less angry or kusut. I will journal every morning and slowly find my way back to my inner peace. In Sha Allah.
Here’s to a commitment of at least a weekly blogpost, daily if possible!